We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
