I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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