in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
So many bounce houses so little time
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
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