I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
