I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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