life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
