I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
do nipples grow back?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
