That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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