i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
