She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
