its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
