Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
