So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
