Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
