I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
