The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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