I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
