how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I don't deserve a penis
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
