hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
