ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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