I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
