If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
