Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
