My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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