I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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