Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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