what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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