So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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