i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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