I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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