It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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