Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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