Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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