my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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