be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
