Will you blow on my dice?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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