He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
