I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
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ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.