I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.