Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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