remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
