I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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