she was so not down for the gang bang
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Randomize
