I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
