get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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