I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
