The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
