He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
