U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I enjoy the company of your penis
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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