You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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