About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
