Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
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