I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
