He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
worst night to have a conscience
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
