There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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