She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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