I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
