Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
