remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
