You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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