I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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