my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."